Ok I admit it. Tonight I’m feeling ‘wallow-ey’. I recently wrote saying that of course there are difficult days amidst a separation, losing friends and finding a new normal and I guess today is just a difficult day.
I realise how indulgent it is to write that – right now the boys are having a good time at their Dad’s and I won’t see them again until tomorrow night. I have the house to myself, wine, the dog, the house is finally clean (standards had slipped the last few days) and I have amazing friends. In my wallowing mood I’m listening to The Calling – albums from 2004 and I know I’m so much more better off than a lot of people out there. So why the wallowing? I guess change, no matter how much you want it, is hard and life takes you in different patterns the more you live it.
Sorry if that sounds like utter crap but I guess things tend to go in cycles. Whilst I’ve written a couple of blog posts about losing friends, what I haven’t written about is the amazing friends all around me, the every day amazing people, the not so every day but still freaking special ones, one of whom totally surprised me with a visit today. It was awesome. I swear we laughed more today than we had in our 10 years of friendship.
So why the wallow-ey? Probably because sometimes everyone just needs a good wallow and the rest. I think I’m just missing my lovely friends who are all living abroad at the moment. The time difference between all of us is driving me crazy and although we get to catch up at the beginning and end of the day, the big chunk in the middle (where they’re all asleep and I’m working/living) just feels unfulfilled somehow.
I realised yesterday that I spend more time talking to my friends who are abroad than my friends who are here, which just seems utterly ridiculous but I guess we make time for each other in a way that we don’t with friends who are just around the corner.
All these friends were abroad before the separation happened and I only told one of them while it was happening as it seemed inauthentic to write about it step by step, stage by stage. Even the friend who did know, didn’t get a full blown account. She was utterly amazing though and with the time difference between us (the shortest at 6 hours) it means on days like Christmas day, she got in touch at lunchtime just to check in on how it was all going.
On good days, I feel like I’m fully present and have the most incredible fun. Admittedly this is usually when the kids go to their Dad’s and I get to be a bit drunk on freedom but after 8 years of oppression, it is well worth it. On bad days, I tend to lock myself away from everyone, appearing sporadically on Whatsapp and reflecting on what was, what is and what may be. That sounds a bit weird. Sorry. I don’t ever really think about the future. I have dreams/goals but these are career focused rather than personal goals.
One day I will look back on this time of great change, this transitional stage in life and be glad that I handled it this way. That I didn’t just fill my diary with events and ignore everything that had gone on before and that equally, I didn’t lock myself away listening to sad songs and refuse to surface for a few years. I don’t even feel like I’m doing a 50/50 mixture of the 2, I would say 25% mad, enjoyable fun, 25% wallowing and 50% living. The perfect balance? Probably not but then, when is anything ever perfect?