Wow! Where did that month go? It will be a month tomorrow that Stu moved out and time seems to have just flown. The house has been cleared, decorated (somewhat) my Bon Jovi prints arrived and are proudly hung in the sitting room, IKEA has been visited, children have been kept healthy and happy and relationships have become less strained. Life is (relatively) good.
So why won’t people stop saying that they’re sorry? As the month has gone on, the time has come to tell more of the outside world about our new family situation. It’s not like we’ve put anything on Facebook, just gently told people as the situation has come up and without fail every single person has said they’re sorry to hear it. It feels strange to reassure them that actually this isn’t a ‘sorry’ situation. I haven’t gone on to tell them that Stu and I had been miserable for a long time, that life was untenable and even within a few days of being apart I saw a big difference in both of us that compounded my view that this was the right move.
I’m pleased to say it’s all true. In the last month I have seen Stu grow more than he ever did in all the years he was with me. He seems to be actively participating in life, the boys are loving spending time with him a few times a week and everyone seems to be a lot calmer and more relaxed. So much so, that when people tell me they’re sorry and am I sure about everything, I mean, what about the children? I don’t really know what to say. Assuring them that separation was the best thing for us feels crude and clunky but it’s true. I guess separating without frustration or hatred has really helped. Honestly? I didn’t know that it would be possible to begin with. Stu was obviously hurt and sent some messages to my friends and family which put them in an uncomfortable position but they were the actions of a hurt person and the more time that goes by, the more we are all healing.
Obviously I don’t know what will happen from here, whether we will still be friendly and amicable once time passes and we enter new relationships but that’s just the twists and turns of our journey and if there’s something I’ve learnt from following the SuperMum Podcast (amazing by the way) it’s that worry never serves us, it lives in the future and has no place in our lives.
I guess what has been strange is that I’m the first one of my group to go through this experience – not divorce as we haven’t reached that stage yet (did you know it costs £550 just to file papers, that’s if you do it yourself???) but separation when there are children involved. Of course I have friends who are single parents etc but they were all in that position before I met them and my sister handled her situation with such dignity, 12 years ago, that it doesn’t seem to sit alongside my own separation (not the dignity part, just it was a long time ago). What it has really taught me is that when I hear of someone being in the same situation I will not be saying I’m sorry to hear it.