I’m not going to lie, the last 10 days have been frikken hard. All due to external factors. Life with the kids has been good, we are settling into a nice routine, they get to see lots of their dad and everything feels peaceful, calm, happy. Of course, there’s the odd tantrum; one hitting the other when he deleted a special diamond sword on minecraft(!) The ‘I want to live with Daddy’ being screamed at me for not taking said sword deletion seriously enough. But generally, the kids are settled and our new normal is going well.
It’s every day life that’s shaping up a bit strangely. Just over a week ago I had a call from the main person I contract to telling me that my position with their company was on the line. To be honest, it hasn’t been the happiest of working relationships, however, with one company who I was working for in dire financial trouble and handing the web design business over to Stu, this really wasn’t a call that I needed. Fight or flight were definitely doing a battle inside my head and in the end, a friend came over with wine and her issues to discuss, perfect. I could bury my head in the sand a little longer.
The next day, hungover and whimpering to my sister, she told me to pull myself together, carry on doing my job and to be more assertive while I was at it. I heaved myself out of bed. No mean feat as hangovers definitely get worse the older you get and fought for my job, to put food on the table and keep home life stable for all of us.
You’ll be pleased to know it worked! I have more work on this week than I have had for a long time, I am leading a training session tomorrow (something I love doing and would like to do more of) and am making good working relationships with people.
So why does it still feel like having to put one foot in-front of the other? Perhaps because life just is full of ups and downs or maybe because we can’t have it all, all of the time (some days it feels like I have none of it, all of the time). Whatever, it still feels hard. I started to wonder what I could do to make this easier? Whilst I can’t necessarily influence external factors, perhaps I could change some of my internal landscape to hopefully, positively affect the external. With this in mind, I decided to embark on a 21 day meditation. This is something I do in times of mental unrest, having first started the practise with my reiki attunement 16 years ago.
Day 1 – perfect, the kids were with Stu, the house was quiet, I drew the curtains, closed the doors, lit a candle, played some soft music and set the timer for 10 minutes. I let my mind relax and after 10 minutes felt more peaceful and able to cope with the rest of the day.
Day 2 – forgot entirely. Remembered just before bed. Aimed to meditate in bed. Fell asleep.
Day 3 – after a meeting that lasted a couple of hours, I closed the curtains and doors, played the soft music, sat on the floor, let my mind rest and…. was plagued by Stitch, convinced I was dead or dying or something and needed waking up. I ignored him so he than spun round the room in circles for the entire 10 minutes. Did not feel rested or relaxed but at least I tried.
I’m going to keep going with the meditation even with living with Stitch! Whilst that is going on, I’m going to keep putting each foot in-front of the other and keep moving.