This week has been entirely cloaked in sadness. On Sunday Stu announced that he’ll be moving out this coming Sunday (2 days time). I went from frustration at waiting 5 weeks to have a date for him to go and us to be able to get on with our lives, to feeling sad that the end was coming and this was it.
I have never questioned the decision to end the relationship, there are fundamentally too many differences, differences of opinion between and us and I genuinely, with every fibre of my being, feel that we (Stu, me and the boys) will all go on to have richer, better lives apart, than this half life that we have together. Still it’s hard. Stu and I built our family together, had a life together, and even though it wasn’t a great life, it was ours.
Last night Stu told Dylan (while I was out) that he would be moving out. Usually being the one holding all the balls and in control, it was strange and nerve wracking to be in the position of not knowing what he would be saying to him or how Dylan would be feeling about it all. Coming home was truly coming home to the unknown. When I got back (at 11:30pm) Dylan was asleep in bed and Stu lying there with him. Stu said he had never seen Dylan so sad. It’s so incredibly hard but something we must go through.
Dylan’s 4 years older than I was when my Dad left. I was saying to a friend today that I can relate to Jago’s experience more as he’s the same age as I was in this situation. All I can do is honestly answer Dylan’s questions and keep reassuring him that this is going to be ok, that we will all, after a while, be happier, with better lives. We just have to get through this hard part.
It has been strange seeing Stu finally step up, already. Even though he hasn’t yet left the house, he has systematically packed up his things, fixed things in the house(!) and remained calm throughout. If only this was the Stu that he brought to the table for the last few years rather than the depressed, moody, intolerant teenager I have had to live with and support. I know there is no going back, that Stu is behaving this way because it is the end of this stage of our lives and the beginning of the next. This is the only way for all of us to reach our full potential.There is too much history between us, too much that can’t be fixed and listening to Stu calmly blame me for so much of it (some people never change) tells me that this is the right decision. We just have to get through this horrible stage first.
Stu is moving in 2 days. If you would have told me that 6 weeks ago, it wouldn’t have been able to come about fast enough. Yet the whole time I have been counting down to the start of all of our new, hopefully happier lives, I have had the bittersweet knowledge that at the same time, I am counting down to the end of my marriage and that feeling has been awful. Stu and I are lucky that we have incredible friends and families around us and we will come out of this brighter, stronger and with better futures but as I watch my 7 year old, his heart breaking, spending as much time as he can with his Daddy before he leaves, my heart breaks for him. It’s only in knowing that I can guarantee him a better future this way, that is seeing me through.
My poor boys. Poor us. As I type this Donald Trump is being inaugurated – poor America.