I’m probably overreacting in saying so but hell, it’s the end of my marriage and in the same vein as ‘it’s my party, I’ll cry if I want to’, I’m going along the lines of ‘it’s my separation, I’ll overreact if I want to’.
There’s not really much to overreact to – Stu announced on Sunday (2 days ago) that he’s going to move out next weekend and now we’re in the (tiny) house, avoiding each other until the kids go to bed when there’s no choice but to sit in the sitting room together, watching tv and on computers. There really is nothing more to say – we had a big chat last Thursday. At the end of it Stu gave me a massive hug and everything really felt so final. I hope so, I hope we have done it – separated in a way that’s so much better than our own parents’ separations. With acceptance, kindness, well wishes etc. We will always be involved in each others’ lives as we share the children and both want each other to do well. I really hope neither of us ends up falling down the pit of blaming the ex for the life we have now.
Finances have always been a huge issue in our relationship, we have never had enough money and with Stu’s depression meaning he has barely worked for the last 3 years and my salary only just keeping our heads above water, life has been frikken tough. I’ve always managed to juggle things by the skin of our teeth, never more than Christmas, last month, where we had Christmas with our families 5 days apart, I managed to re-gift presents given to us a few days before and used a combination of vouchers from last year, groupon etc to buy family gifts. Somewhere in my mind I kept thinking ‘noooooo! You have lived too long, worked too hard to still be experiencing life like this’ and then came the age old adage (for me, I’ve been using it for the last 9 months) of ‘the only one who can change this is me’……
Today I had to ask my sister for a loan. I have been in financial dire straits before and I have always managed, by hook or by crook, to keep going and this was the first time I really wasn’t sure I could. Naturally my sister was amazing, the money is already in my account and we all have some breathing space but wow! Rock bottom really does have a basement. Not because my sister bailed me out. She is my favourite of all people and the first person I go to. But because I had to ask her to.
So today I am definitely going by this quote from another of my favourites…. J K Rowling:
The only ways is up. x