So this may be a bit random but it tends to come up every now and then for friends of mine……
Many years ago I spent night after night on my sofa pouring endless glasses of wine for my friend while she poured out her heart and every night that this happened it would end at the same conclusion….. the reason for her misery…… her bf wouldn’t propose. This went on for years. She wondered what she was doing wrong? How come everyone else is getting married? it was so unfair etc. I suggested that she asked him and she was vehmenently against the idea. When I asked why she said because it HAD to come from him otherwise she would never know that he’d really wanted to. I pointed out that if he agreed to marry him that surely was a sign that he wanted to. Nope that wasn’t good enough. After another year I said to her I thought she should tell him ‘marry me or I’m off’. She refused on the grounds of ‘what if he was just about to propose and then didn’t because she’d threatened to leave’ I replied in the manner of: If that was the case and he left because she’d said that then he really wasn’t going to propose ever. Eventually……. 2 years later, after 5 years of being together (and 3 of them her miserably waiting for him to propose) he was literally dragged by the scruff of his neck and proposed. Thank goodness.
But…… he wouldn’t talk about the wedding. The he set a date 18 months in the future and wouldn’t talk about it until nearer the time. That doesn’t really make me think he was the most committed man (needless to say they split up after 15 months of marriage).
I’m more a fan of the talk about marriage, hint about wanting to be proposed to and eventually if he doesn’t get the message, tell him ‘marry me or I’m off’. In every case I’ve known the guy’s pulled his socks up and the wedding’s been arranged (and executed) within a year of this conversation.
One of my favourite proposals from a lady I know was her (now) husband asking her where she wanted to go on holiday next year and she said ‘let’s go to xxxxx for our honeymoon’ he said ok and a year and a bit later they were married and did indeed honeymoon in the place she’d picked. 9 years later they’re still married and still happy.
So once again I find myself pouring wine, answering the phone and talking through with a friend why won’t her bf propose after 3 years together……? She is desperate to get married, she’s nearly 31, would love a family, has put a lot of effort into her relationship and is wondering where the rewards are? We all are really, her bf seems incredibly lacklustre, not too into her and generally tends to treat her a little like a flatmate rather than a gf. The problem I can see is that she’s fallen into ‘the trap’ this is the same trap that friend number 1 fell into – it’s the ‘he’s not actually that into me and if I’m honest I’m probably not that into him anymore, the spark’s gone BUT I’m in my 30’s want to get married and start a family and because of this time’s run out and he’ll have to do. It’s ok we get on ok and I’ve convinced myself that I’m in love with him’ Trap. This is the most frustrating type of friend to try and deal with in this situation because they really do convince themselves that they’re in love with the other half. It never works out well. So I’ve suggested to this friend that she proposes to him on their 3 year anniversary in 3 weeks. At first she thought about it then quickly rubbished the idea saying she couldn’t that she KNEW he was going to propose one day and she may be ready now but she’ll still be ready WHENEVER he’s ready and will say yes ‘with bells on’ when he does propose. What happens if he’s never ready? What about her needs? Where’s the meeting half way? (let’s get engaged now but not married for 2 years kind of half way?). I pushed my friend further and said did it really matter who did the asking if the end result was the one they wanted? Apparently yes. This friend couldn’t bear to go through life not knowing what it was like to be asked and was prepared to wait until that happened. Personally I think proposing to him now would show his true colours, either he’d say yes and go on to happily plan a wedding OR he’d say no and she’d realise he was never ready because he didn’t consider her to be ‘The One’, it would be painful but she would be set free and could go off and find the one.
Well readers you can guess the outcome. My friend is still miserable, her bf still hasn’t proposed and I’m scheduled for next Friday to pour wine and listen until my ears drop off once more. Wish me luck!!